Why won't my baby sleep through the night? This is a question most people imagine would be asked by the parent of a six month old, nine month old, or even a year old baby. But it's not uncommon at all for me to have the parent of a three,four or even five year old ask me why their older child keeps waking up during the night crying out for Mom, getting into bed with their parents and having a multitude of sleeping problems. These parents are baffled. These parents are exhausted. These parents assume they are out of options and that they have no choice but to walk around like zombies all day, after a sleepless night filled with multiple requests for "drinks of water" and a distraught and emotional child who eventually ended up sleeping with their legs on Mom or Dads head. They think they've done everything right. They know their child is well-fed, bathed, with a clean diaper-if they still wear one. Lots of the parents even describe going to extra lengths to make a perfect bedtime ritual of reading a story before bed, saying prayers and tucking their little one in sweetly. The thing is, bedtime problems are very common for infants and, believe it or not, children who go all the way past the age of starting school. It's absolute torture for the parents-and what's worse is that their child, who has become what I call a "sleep monster" is literally holding them hostage with out the parent realizing it. The parents heart strings feel a huge tug every time their child tells them how frightened they are in their own bed, or how they are parched to the point of dehydration or the infant simply screams anytime the parent takes them NEAR their crib. This little "sleep monster" is not getting enough credit. These parents aren't stopping to consider their child's apparent level of intelligence. For example, any infant who is able to realize if they scream, their parent won't place them in their crib-well that's obviously a pretty smart baby. The key to keeping your child from becoming a "sleep monster"-Prevention. You are in charge of creating your child's GOOD habits, not the other way around. Have a plan before your newborn arrives about how you intend for your child to sleep. If you intend for your child to sleep in their own bed all night long-make a plan and stick with it. Here are a few tips:
1)
Never, ever, ever put your baby in your actual bed where you sleep. I say this from experience-I have had a "sleep monster"-I learned from my mistake. After that experience I changed my parenting and not putting my newborn, toddler, or child EVER in my bed was one of the best moves I've ever made as a parent. I also took accountability for the fact that my child wasn't trying to sleep in my bed for any reason except I had never given any other option. Honestly, your child will be happier and better rested long-term. So will you! In making this commitment to not ever allow your child in your bed, you must make a few sacrifices in the beginning. Making the decision to stick with the plan for keeping your newborn out of your bed will prepare your child to be independent later on. Set up a bottle or breast feeding area in a whole other room for doing night time feedings. Make sure to make this area comfy for you and your baby and well-equipped with a few diapers, wipes and a few changes of clothing. Hopefully, in the beginning you have a spouse or someone else who is willing to help perform the every two-three hour nighttime feedings by switching off on nights. If you share your bedroom with this person, they will thank you and vice versa for allowing them to sleep in preparation for the next night. Those every two hour feedings are totally exhausting and there is a huge temptation to lay down beside your newborn and breast or bottle feed. This is not only dangerous but is the quickest way to create your very own personal, very, very loud "sleep monster." Your newborn should be awakened during feedings, even in the middle of the night. You are up and they should be as well. Use this time to sing to your baby, tell them a sweet story or even play a little game. In other words, lovingly wear them out. At this point, they don't have a choice as to whether or not to wake you up. All they have the ability to do is sleep two to three hours because of their extreme hunger. Your goal should not be to get your baby instantly back to sleep. You should both be awake. They might cry-it's okay. Remember, they are very hungry and growing every minute. Keep them awake while they are eating. You are setting a precedence for the future by creating a good habit for you and your child. When your baby is done eating and burping, change and swaddle them and place them back in their OWN crib or bassinet and you return to your own bed. These days will be challenging, but will only last a very few months. What you want to avoid is the panic that you will feel if your baby cries when you lay them down. If you know they have been fed, changed, burped-let them doing a little self soothing. It will pay off, I promise.
2)
Move your baby to their own bedroom at the right time. Most likely, as a newborn, even though your baby wasn't in your bed, they were close by in a bassinet-possibly even in your bedroom. My suggestion is moving your newborn into their own crib as soon as they are able to roll over. Usually this is around five and a half months. It's much less of a challenge to avoid having a "sleep monster" if your six month old is in another room, away from you. At first, you will be nervous-use baby monitors to listen or even watch your baby. You will sleep better and so will they. Invest in cozy, footed zip up pj's made of blanket like material so you never worry about your baby becoming cold or needing blankets. Make their crib safe-they don't need extra blankets, toys or stuffed animals. Their bed should be for sleeping-it isn't a place for playthings. Now, at this age in your child's development, the parent has to be very careful not to give in to rocking their child to sleep-your goal for their future is independence. Your child can be lovingly rocked with a much greater impact on their self esteem while they are awake! Never stay in their room and pat their back while they go to sleep or continually put a pacifier in their mouth. If you have done your job singing to your child, playing with them and lovingly wearing them out while they are awake-they will be exhausted. Make sure they are fed, changed and lay them down while they are awake. You will be shocked at how independently your child will fall off to sleep with precious goos and coos eventually if you realize forming these great habits is so crucial beforehand. Something you can do as early as birth with your baby that forms a wonderful habit and memory is to take your child into their room anytime they need to go to sleep and talk very lovingly to them about how special they are to you. Tell them how blessed they are to have such a beautiful place to sleep and how they are your little Prince or Princess. Do this as you're laying them down and make that a positive experience. I did this with my own children and I must say they LOVE bedtime and rarely get out of their beds. I still tell my girls every night, "Now go get into your beautiful Princess bed and go to sleep!"
3)
Don't keep your house quiet. This is a common mistake parents make. Your baby/child should be tired and so ready for sleep that noise never bothers them. My only suggestion might be to put a little sign on your door asking people to refrain from doorbell usage. For some reason babies hate doorbells. If your baby wakes up prematurely, leave them alone for a while. Give them the opportunity to behave in accordance with the habits you are working on together. Most likely they will go back to sleep on their own if that is already a habit.
4)
Make sure your child/baby is well fed. Babies and children eat lots! They won't sleep well if they haven't had at least the same amount of food they had the day before. Remember, a full baby is a happy baby. Feed on demand.
5)
Don't pick your baby up every time they cry. You will be sorry if you fall victim to their needless pleas for attention through crying, and you aren't doing them any favors. It's totally normal for babies at several stages if they begin to go through a period of separation anxiety. At around five months old, your baby will start to cry if you try to lay them down either for a nap or to play on the floor during tummy time. They are testing you. Just ignore their cry and pretend it has no effect on you. Continue to talk sweetly and in a happy voice despite their attempt to cause you to react. Babies are smart and will quickly learn to cater their cries to the rewards you give them with your reactions. If your child, once again, has been fed, burped and changed-you know this is another challenge you will have to weather all in the name of creating independence for your baby. During this difficult and challenging time, you will undoubtedly know you have read, sang and nurtured your child-and you can take great pride in knowing you are helping them to continue creating independent habits. One tip to keep your infant or even bigger kid happy-change their activity every twenty minutes. For instance, if they started out on the floor you might switch to their swing and then maybe a bouncy seat.
6)
Limit the amount of time you hold your baby. Babies of all ages absolutely love to be held. Imagine if every time you woke up you saw a loving face looking down at you? Imagine feeling a warm body next to you, cuddling you with unconditional love. It's perfectly fine to give this to your child, but also think of this-even babies get sore muscles from being handled too much. Babies need love and cuddling and to be sang and played with-while they are awake. They also don't need over stimulation-babies will cry simply because they have been played with too much! Although you feed on demand, a napping schedule and regular nightly bedtime are keys to keeping your baby and you well-rested. You are not only creating a good habit when letting your baby have time to themselves, you are giving them some down time they need to adapt to being a self soother.
7)
Don't put your child in your bed when they are sick. This might sound mean or heartless, ridiculous or extreme. But, even having a sick baby or child in your bed for one night may be enough to encourage them to revisit that option in the future. Don't ever let them know this option exists, even during sickness. If your baby is sick-you most likely won't be able to go into a deep enough sleep that will benefit you anyway. You may have to let them sleep in their bed and you set up a little bed nearby. Remember, you don't want them to regress on all of the great habits they have created. From two years old and up I have always resigned myself to sleeping on the couch while my child sleeps on the opposite love seat while they are ill. This allows me quick access to be their nurse and have the ability to take their temperature, help them with a sick stomach and give them meds. Although my children have mentioned lovingly the times they have been sick and we have slept on the sofas, it has never been an option for them to revisit. I returned to my own bed when I felt they were well enough.
8)
Be strong and push away thoughts of guilt. Keep in mind that good parents are not neglectful. Neglect and laziness go hand in hand. It is 100 % lazy and not in the best interest of the needs of your child for you to allow them to make decisions on their own. Particularly decisions that create habits that are bad and have a huge impact on you and your spouse personally, your marriage and the success of your entire family unit. While saying a parent who lets their child sleep in their bed is lazy may sound harsh, it's true. Cosleeping with your child as a newborn makes the responsibilities of being a new parent somewhat easier, but not for the damage it does to an impressionable infant. Don't trade a successful future having a child happy and independently reading in their own bed for having a crying, whiny child who can't be more than a few feet away from you during the night. Avoid the nightmare by putting the effort in while they are young and bedtime will turn into a time of day you look forward to daily!!! I promise.
My children are ages 18, 8 and six and we have absolutely no bedtime issues at our home. My older child is independent enough that he has handled his own bedtime for years, my girls are almost as easy. Believe it or not, at 8:30 pm nightly, I just tell my girls it's bedtime. They brush their own teeth, change into their pajamas independently, get into their beds on their own and they GO TO SLEEP! If you create healthy sleep habits now, it will be the same for your household!
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